Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Life Gets Scary Sometimes

I am in a scary season of life I think.  Yesterday was an impossible day -- everything upset me.  I would break down and cry for no reason at all; I got in the conundrum of caring that we were way behind at work and at the same time not giving a damn.  I felt as though I was drifting through the day powerless to do anything to make things better or right.  I knew I "shouldn't" feel this way, and that knowledge just fueled the fire.  Last night I thought that a good night's sleep would fix the problems, but then I didn't sleep all that well.  I was up and down from 2am on and up a bit after 5, giving up on the idea of getting any real rest.  So today, I feel a bit fearful of life -- don't want to go to work, don't want to do anything.  Yet, I can't afford to not go to work and I have things that need doing for church and life marches on.  My question is, "Why does it have to march all over me?"  I am usually in pretty fair control over my emotions though sometimes when I am tired they tend to get the better of me, but this feeling of being propelled along through the rapids with no life jacket and nothing to grab onto, scares the heck out of me.  Where is the redeeming moment of sanity, how do I regain a sense of control, how do I function through the day at work when all I want to do is walk out?   And on top of that is the fear that things will get worse before they get better.  Some would tell me to buck up and face the day, thankful for job, health,and home.  I have been "bucking up" for a long time and am getting tired of it.  It seems that I take two steps forward and one back, then one forward and two back, and nothing ever seems to improve.  I know I'm rambling, but when one is being honest and dumping feelings, that's often what happens. Thanks for your care and support and for taking the time to read my ramblings.  I am hoping for a better day!

1 comment:

Lemuel said...

Quite frankly, "bucking up" is not all that it's cracked up to be!

HUGS! I hope for that better day - for all of us - too.