Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I am in a scary season of life I think. Yesterday was an impossible day -- everything upset me. I would break down and cry for no reason at all; I got in the conundrum of caring that we were way behind at work and at the same time not giving a damn. I felt as though I was drifting through the day powerless to do anything to make things better or right. I knew I "shouldn't" feel this way, and that knowledge just fueled the fire. Last night I thought that a good night's sleep would fix the problems, but then I didn't sleep all that well. I was up and down from 2am on and up a bit after 5, giving up on the idea of getting any real rest. So today, I feel a bit fearful of life -- don't want to go to work, don't want to do anything. Yet, I can't afford to not go to work and I have things that need doing for church and life marches on. My question is, "Why does it have to march all over me?" I am usually in pretty fair control over my emotions though sometimes when I am tired they tend to get the better of me, but this feeling of being propelled along through the rapids with no life jacket and nothing to grab onto, scares the heck out of me. Where is the redeeming moment of sanity, how do I regain a sense of control, how do I function through the day at work when all I want to do is walk out? And on top of that is the fear that things will get worse before they get better. Some would tell me to buck up and face the day, thankful for job, health,and home. I have been "bucking up" for a long time and am getting tired of it. It seems that I take two steps forward and one back, then one forward and two back, and nothing ever seems to improve. I know I'm rambling, but when one is being honest and dumping feelings, that's often what happens. Thanks for your care and support and for taking the time to read my ramblings. I am hoping for a better day!
Posted by Old Pastor at 6:38 AM
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Well, I haven't posted since the first of the week, partly because of laziness and partly because of being overly busy. When I last posted, I was preparing to head to Detroit for the eight hour day of viewing and visitation. It was wonderful to see so many people paying their respects to a great lady, but it was extremely grueling for those of us who are the least bit introverted. I told the funeral director that I was indeed dealing well with mother's passing, but the need to be "on" for that long was a real struggle. My daughter arrived safely -- with her mother -- the "EX"! There were some awkward moments, but we got through it all. All of the grandchildren served as pall bearers which I found interesting since there are 9 granddaughters and 1 grandson. The service was very nice. The graveside service was a bit weird since we stood and witnessed the actual lowering of the casket into the grave and the sealing of the vault. We did not stay to see the dirt dump; the rest was enough. The funeral was Tuesday, I worked from home on Wednesday, and returned to the office on Thursday. Now I am sitting here on this chilly Saturday morning facing the need to complete a sermon, do the laundry, clean the house, finish decorating, etc. when I would rather sit here and do absolutely nothing that requires thought or movement. But life goes on, so the sermon will get written, the clothes will get washed, the dishes will go in the dishwasher, and there will be some decorating. Perhaps by evening, Ben and I can enjoy some peace and quiet. Then tomorrow is Sunday which is always a busy day. When do people find time to grieve? Life goes on -- and on. Thanks to all for your care, prayers, and support through the past week.
Posted by Old Pastor at 10:32 AM